Heroics

4 years of swimming, 2 summers of waterpolo, 3 years of coaching swimming and 5 years of lifeguarding.  My teens and early 20’s were spent mostly in and around water.  I love swimming, I miss competing, and I know there is still an athlete hiding underneath the extra 60 pounds I’ve packed on since high school.  I just finished watching Michael Phelps and the U.S. men’s 4 x 100 Medley Relay win the gold medal in world record time.  Number 8 for Phelps.  History happening before my eyes.  Eyes that were brought to tears.

In our new age of sports doping, it is truly inspiring to see Phelps become the most decorated olympian ever.  At the same time, 41 year old Dara Torres, mother on a two year old, won 3 silver medals in her now 5th olympics.  These accomplishments were due to training, dedication, and commitment, not illicit and illegal substances.

Today is a great day for the sport of swimming, a great day for sports, and a great day for the United States.

Here’s to you Michael and Dara.  Thank you for becoming symbols, inspirations, and a heroes.

Fallout 3

I can’t wait!!!

Personality Profile…….

I know this is usually a myspace type thing, but Nikki took this test and then I took it, and it turns out it is pretty damn accurate.  I still say I’m a Cynical Realist, but here were the results:

 

Results Your answers suggest you are a Nurturer The four aspects that make up this personality type are: Care for the important people in their lives Strive for harmony and avoid confrontation Think of themselves as gentle, conscientious, and mature May have trouble making decisions that could hurt others More about Nurturers Nurturers are quiet people who believe in order and diligently look after the people they care about. They focus on the needs of others and establish routines to help them meet their commitments. Nurturers are the most likely group to say they prefer a job where the same thing happens every day, according to a UK survey. Nurturers remember details that are important to them, such as their friends’ birthdays and anniversaries. People with this personality type value others’ feelings and may challenge behaviour they think is insensitive. In situations where they can’t use their talents or are unappreciated, Nurturers may feel bitter and seek support by complaining to their colleagues. Under extreme stress, Nurturers may become preoccupied with the worst possible outcome and believe that they are heading for disaster. Because they are so caring and loyal, Nurturers run the risk of being taken advantage of. Nurturer Careers Nurturers are often drawn to jobs that allow them to help others.

The Paradox of Human Nature

I believe that we as humans are selfish by nature.  As philosopher John Locke put it, we enter this world as “blank slates”, and it is through our senses that we come to find the meaning of who and what we are.  Our sensory experiences guide us through the world, from the deepest, darkest lows of fear and self-loathing to the highest self-gratifying sense of accomplishment.  We are creatures of experience, and good choices in turn leave us feeling happy and content.  The more beneficial an experience is for us, the greater we feel about ourselves.  However, I am going to contradict myself here in my own introduction.  In addition to being “blank-slates” as John Locke believed, I also believe the the vast majority of people in the world are inherently good, meaning the world is an inherently good place.  But you might ask, “How can we be blank slates AND inherently good?” to which I would answer, “I just love a paradox!”  I’m digressing, a little, but It should all get back on track by the conclusion of my post.  If I don’t, please refer to the title of my blog and note the term “free-range”…..

Today was the day that Bruenor almost returned home.  We received a call from AVID, the pet microchip provider, and discovered that Bruenor had escaped from his new home and had been retrieved about a mile away near a freeway on-ramp.  A good samaritan found him, called the number on his ID tag, and Nikki’s mom retrieved him.  Nikki and I however, faced quite a conundrum.  After two and a half weeks of wrestling with the emotional turmoil of finding Bruenor a new home and finally coming to terms with the decision, we were faced with the very real possibility of a bittersweet homecoming.  I say bittersweet, not because of a lack of love for the furry little goof-ball, but because of the fact that we have already begun the necessary steps of moving on from an emotionally trying experience.  The decision to re-home Bruenor, while in the grand scheme of marriage and life is a minor bump, it served as the greatest emotional challenge to our marriage thus far.  The experience today proved to illuminate my personally paradoxical nature.

I stated that we, as humans are selfish creatures.  However, I do not necessarily view this in a negative context.  While there are EXTREMELY rare individuals who are truly altruistic in their motives and actions and there are plenty of individuals who are wholly self-serving and narcissistic, most of us fall somewhere in the grey area in between two polar opposites.  I believe that the selfish nature of humanity, coupled with the inherent good that resides within tends to manifest in the form of emotion, particularly the action of approaching emotional situations with one’s heart, even when one’s head should clearly be followed.  This has been the situation I’ve dealt with during the past few weeks.

When we received the call that Bruenor had been found, I immediately began thinking with my heart.  I wanted to rush and get him, bring him home, and never let him go again.  Despite the fact that I had rationalized and come to terms with all of the reasons why re-homing Bruenor was the best solution, in addition to witnessing the positive changes in his sister Libby, I was convinced this was a sign that he needed to come home.  As soon as was possible, we went to Jody’s work and there he was.  Safe, healthy, and not quite as excited to see us as I had anticipated.  While Nikki and Jody attempted to get a hold of his new owners, I took him for a walk around the block.  It was during this walk that the truth of the situation came clear to me.

Here I was, walking Bruenor, but he wasn’t MY Bruenor.  He looked the same, he acted the same, and he even remembered the commands from his training, but this wasn’t Bruenor the “fur-baby.”  This was Bruenor the dog.  There existed a very real disconnect between he and I.  He remembered me, and he remembered Nikki, but it wasn’t the same.  I still love him, but I could see that in his doggy mind, the nature of things was different.  Seeing this made up my mind.  I would go to the ends of the earth for him, but there was someone else waiting for him, afraid for him, and loving him.  He had a home that he needed to get back to and it wasn’t ours.

The decision to take him back rested on my shoulders, and despite my the pulls on my heartstrings, the selfish nature that lie within me, I knew that returning him to his new home was what needed to be done.  The disconnect I felt earlier was reinforced when, upon returning to his new home, Bruenor actually paused and stepped back from the four of us standing their.  With Nikki and I on one side and Patt and Carl on the other, it was apparent that Bruenor was confused.  He was asking himself, “Wait, who is my family?”  A brief tour of his new home witnessed Bruenor gravitating back toward Nikki, but that is 10 months of one mom vs. 10 days of another tugging at his memory.  In the end, we once again left him behind, having to reassure ourselves that the right decision was made.

It broke my heart to give Bruenor up the first time.  An opportunity to bring him home was something I had been waiting for from the moment we gave him away.  I was thinking selfishly.  I was thinking with my heart.  It was the hardest thing I think I’ve ever had to do.

Doing the right thing today was even harder.

For the Greater Good / Bruenor, Eater of Children / All in my Head…

I don’t really work hard at my job.  I have to get up early and clock in by 5:00 am, but after that, my brain pretty much goes on auto-pilot.  My job, which usually consists of sticking large stickers on palletized product over and over again, is definitely NOT the most stimulating activity.  Fortunately (or unfortunately) this allows me to think……. constantly.  I was going to sit down and write a deep and meaningful post about the situation with our dog, Bruenor, but I had all of my good thoughts earlier and I can;t piece the flow back together.  For the sake of getting it off of my chest and opening up a little, I’m going to run it down in a bullet point format:

Re-homing Bruenor makes me sad, even though it is best for him and us.

Matt’s sadness often leads to Matt’s depression.

I’ve struggled with depression for about 14 years and I am going to take the necessary steps to start to REALLY deal with it.

Maybe I’ll expand later, maybe not.  I probably will.

It was far more intellectual and cathartic running it over in my head at work, and I really wish I could have stopped and written a blog then and there, but I don;t get an office…..  Or a computer….. Or a chair….. or Air conditioning…..  Althoug I did stick stickers on about 150 pallets of a/c units today.  Ironic much?

My Brain is Full…

Short, sweet, and to the point.  My brain is full.  My last quarter at Cal State was intellectually stimulating and brutal at the same time.  Having been exposed to sorts of different writings of European Intellectuals from the Renaissance to the birth of the Post-Modern era, I have been able to conclude on thing:

I am a Post-Modern Agnostic Humanist with Existential tendencies…

On that note, my week and a half summer vacation is concluding, school starts on Tuesday, and my mind is swirling.  This blog should be pretty interesting, considering all the craziness that exists within my head and my life.  So, to my friends, family, and strangers who either happen upon my blog by chance or choose to read on a regular basis, I invite you to enjoy the “Free-Range Intellectualism.”  Welcome, welcome.

**Legal Disclaimer:  The views expressed in this blog are the opinions of one mind, the writer, and said writer is entitled to their thoughts and opinions.  Should you deem these thoughts inappropriate, offensive, or just downright wiggity-whack, just take comfort that your own mentality is far more stable than that of the writer….